Even If

I vividly remember the first time I had to entrust the life of my child to God. My son was a little more than a year old and we had to call 911 because he was choking on food and we couldn’t dislodge it. Within minutes the ambulance arrived at our house and rushed us to the hospital where they let me carry him in, holding him upright as he was barely getting any air. They had told me on the drive there that the plan was to take him into surgery so they could sedate him to remove the object blocking his airway.

The moment they took him from my arms and rushed him through the double doors of the surgical wing are burned into my memory. My arms had never felt so empty and all I could think was “is this the last time I will ever hold my son?”.

Alone in that hallway, I heard the quiet whisper of God. “Keri, what do you believe about me?” He asked.

It’s easy to believe that God is good and can be trusted when life is good, but when your son is looking at you with terror, gasping for breath it’s a lot harder. But the truth remains, God is good, even if…

It’s been nearly twenty years since that moment in the hallway, and I never thought I’d experience that feeling again. But I did. Just recently my son was admitted to the hospital after a trip to urgent care. We weren’t sure what was wrong, other than he was bleeding internally and needed immediate medical intervention. As we were filling out paperwork in the Emergency Room a nurse stepped over and said, “now you know you can’t stay with him because of Covid.” My heart sank. Yes, he’s an adult now, but my momma heart was not okay with him being there without me.

For a second time, I stood in a hospital hallway and watched my son be escorted through a set of double doors without me. The thought that flooded my mind when those doors closed behind him was of that day 20 years ago when he went through that first set of double doors. It was easier this time to whisper the words, “You are good, God. Even if…”

Easier because for the last twenty years God has faithfully revealed Himself to me. I’ve had moment upon moment of experiencing the goodness of God. I’ve watched my son’s faith grow and develop and seen God working in his life. I’ve walked through heartache and loss that seemed unsurvivable, and even in those darkest moments… there was God. Through all of it the one constant has been the Father’s presence and love.

Life is so unpredictable. It’s filled with joy and tragedy. We never know from one day to the next what we will face. But through it all, one thing remains the same, “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end.” (Lamentations 3:22).

He is good. Even if…